The Two Millionth Visitor's Prize


The moment when the counter on the TMGAIHAA page finally mounts "2,000,000" with triumphant, bestial lust is something special indeed. If we represent time as mucus and assume that the increase of one unit sucks only 30 seconds from the nose of some company or other (an estimation which, I think you'll agree, is 'conservative'), then the Big Two O, O, O, O, O, O would still contain phlegm enough for 62,500 working days. To put this in perspective: a company employing 170 people to do nothing for eight hours a day - without any holidays - could run for an entire year and still would not have wasted as much time as the TMGAIHAA page. It is - for those of you who foolishly thought I'd forgotten the analogy I'm using here - like an entire lake full of sputum.

Special, then, should be the prize awarded to she (or they - perhaps it might fall to a lesbian couple; hands lying gently together atop the mouse) who strides through the 1,999,999 tape. There seems to be only one thing I can bestow that has a value that matches the importance of the occasion.

The feted 2,000,000er will be awarded the opportunity never to spend a day with me, ever.

Just think: this lucky individual will not join me for lunch, sitting on the floor leaning against Tie Rack at Euston station. They will not have to watch me fish the tomato slices out of my WH Smith's Chicken Salad sandwich before boarding the (delayed) train to the West Midlands and a stifling and cramped two-hour journey, during which I will go on and on and on about how inspired the concept of Columbo was. Once they are not at my home, they won't have their intelligence insulted by hearing me say how the great stockpile of water guns about the place I bought "just for the kids". During the afternoon, they will not get contaminated by exposure to my world. Then, finally, to round off the specialness, they will be merciful miles away as the light fades and I begin to talk about Alyson Hannigan; becoming increasingly rambling, emotional and graphic as the clock ticks us into the early hours of the next day.

It is, you'll allow me, a prize worthy of keeping company with the Grail itself.

As for the rest of you... well, I've logged your IP addresses, done my homework and now know where you all live. As I have the right to turn up at your house at any time and stay for as long as I like*, I'll be starting to work my way around the lot of you (minus the protected 2,000,000er) presently. Please ensure you have in a stock of Pot Noodles and a PC (with a decent graphics card, please) running a copy of Medal of Hono(u - Ed)r. You have three weeks to get yourselves ready. I intend to begin in Pipestone, MN.


*What? You thought the TMGAIHAA page was free? Check the small print.