First the basics, 'Don't oversleep'. Next, where to go...

Where? When?

9.30am, Sunday 27^th September.

Hilton Park, Essington (here's a map and directions - it's a 399K
file, so beware if you're sitting at home on a 9,600 modem, eh?).

(sorry, map is lost now)

The Cost.

There are three options. You'll all have paid your £10 deposit to me ages ago, so you can either pay an extra £5 (for Option 1) on the day, £25 (for Option 2) or £40 (for Option 3).

Option 1 - Includes: Entrance Fee, Pump Action Gun, Face Protection, Free Tea/Coffee, Lunch (half an inch of chicken and vegetable soup and a couple of rounds of bread)

Option 2 - Includes: All the above (but with a semi-automatic gun), plus 500 Paintballs, Camouflage Overalls, Battle Pack (It's a pack. You can put things in it. It's black.)

Option 3 - Includes: All of Option 2 plus an extra 500 paintballs.

Only a deranged mad fool would go for Option 1. For a start, you'll have no paintballs and will have to buy them (at £7.50 per 100), this will come out massively more expensive. Also you'll have no overalls so your clothes will be filthy and covered in paint. Also you'll have no semi-automatic weapon and will therefore die. Option 3 is possibly reasonable if you split the extra cost with a chum, because you get an extra 500 balls for a little over the cost of 200 bought separately.

But what should I wear?

Tricky. Take lots of thin layers and then you can chop and change is probably the best advice. Who knows what the weather will be like on the day, but it's safe to say that you'll get pretty hot whatever it is. On the other hand, clothing offers some protection against the agonising and disfiguring impact of the paintballs. So, swings and roundabouts, then.

Take some good boots. Doctors say that running and jumping around uneven woodland in blind panic is one of the main causes of ankle injury.

Some general stuff.

Don't fire wildly, you'll probably miss and you'll certainly waste balls. 500 sounds like a lot of paintballs, but you'll race through them if you're not careful. The semi-automatic guns at this place are very good - at the previous venue we wasted maybe 10-20% of our balls due to firing jams, these guns virtually never jam.

As I mentioned above, I have no idea what the weather will be like (no really). If it's warm, then it's perhaps worth noting that last time we suffered more casualties due to mosquito bites and hayfever than we did because of high-speed, large-calibre paint bullets.

Don't cheat, it spoils it for everyone. Especially don't shoot at people who are 'dead' just for a laugh, it causes lots of bad feeling. ALWAYS keep your face mask on in the play area - you'll be told this repeatedly, but it's very easy to forget it.

Shoot Peter Thomas Kendal. As many times as you possibly can.

If you have any questions about The Day - or anything else; perhaps your partner's not as attentive as he once was, you're worried about children growing up in this harsh world of today, or maybe you just 'need to talk' - then only hesitate between 3 and 5 seconds before using e-mail to contact me